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it’s been a long, long time since i felt this content with my life, where i am. i still have enough going on that some nights i just- fold in on myself and try not to puke all over the sheets, but other than that (because that shit happens often enough that i’m used to it, you know? i can handle it) i’m so gloriously calm. i don’t feel like this other person inside me is going to rip her way out and ruin all my relationships. yeah, sure, i’ve been happy before this, i’ve had moments where i thought hey i’m over this depression, but the sad truth is that it never fucking goes away.

and yeah, i might just be fooling myself into happiness again. wouldn’t be the first time. it’s just, i think this time it might actually stick. the few people i like, they like me too, and even though there are people i’d rather stay far far away from, i can deal with it.

ugh what am i even writing. basically what i wanted to say is: this is the happiest i’ve been since that day when (brace yourself for melodrama) i felt like half of my fucking life was just suddenly meaningless. it’s gotten better.

the other thing i wanted to say is that the way i miss you is nothing at all like how i miss them, and despite all the complete bullshit i spout, all i really want when it’s dark at night and i don’t have a face to maintain and there is this terrible, all-encompassing loneliness- what i really want, the only thing i ever want, is to hear you talk to me and remember that i am capable of love.

this was supposed to be me being happy, right? i guess, you know, for me the happiness comes hand in hand with sadness and you can’t ever fucking separate the two because if you did i’d just be- like how i was before. lies upon lies upon lies because the real me was too fucked up to let anyone see.

yeah if i really think about it without the veneer of self-loathing, i’ve come such a long way.

sometimes i still miss you so much i can barely breathe. that’s how i know it’s not really over no matter what i tell people every day. i haven’t asked you to give it back. i haven’t asked you to give it away. i haven’t stopped feeling my chest ache with memories when i look at the sky on a cloudy day. that’s how i know i haven’t really moved on. it’s never really going to end.

*

other times i wish you were still around, so all these morbid jokes would have someone to appreciate them. the feeling of betrayal has lessened with time, and it’s not as though i don’t understand why you found your escape the way you did. i’ve done it a few times. it’s just that maybe i’ll never forgive myself for not saving you- maybe i’ll never forgive him for not trying harder, and even if i did he won’t be around for me to tell him. 

*

i cannot stop myself from hating you because you never cared. because of your halfassed fathering and your self-righteous blindness, you made us do things we can never take back. this fucking guilt never goes away.

*

every time i enter a starbucks i think of you and your unhealthy love for their blueberry cheese muffins. i can never bring myself to eat them now that you aren’t around to go into paroxysms of delight. i guess it’s a good thing i like the banana ones more.

*

i never loved you the way i said i did. i’m sorry. i admired you, and respected you, i wanted to be you. but that wasn’t love.

*

*

*

the birds are singing outside. it’s really cold- strange weather in malaysia. there’s someone else using the computer on my bed, and it’s a macbook just like yours was. i will always remember the only time i kissed you, and how after that your eyes shone with tears and for the first time i really understood that nothing lasts forever.

But they’ve all been shunted aside because I have the most dreadful urge to write something about Morgan and Felipe. They’re these two characters I drafted quite long ago, when I was writing side stories in the Aphelion-verse. After I’d written some of their personality and stuff I found that I didn’t really have anywhere to put them. Usually when that happens I just discard the idea(s), because they’re still very basic and I don’t know much about the character so it’s fine to throw them away. But I really liked Morgan and Felipe!! So they’ve been wandering around the back of my mind waiting for a good idea to jump on.

And this idea is- well, I actually think it will work much, much better as a comic or at least an illustrated piece of fiction. I will just shut up about it until I finalize stuff :P All I can tell you is that Felipe works in a slaughterhouse and Morgan is a superstitious jazz pianist.

UGH I NEED TO DO UNI ASSIGNMENTS

i want to do anything, anything but sit here dredging up things i want to forget and hating myself for fucking up

can’t i just have nice things without all this shit, what did i even do in my past life, was i some genocidal maniac? i am SICK of people dying i am so fucking fed up of chasing the edge of the universe

most of all i am exhausted with the way i want, every day, to end everything

I am always so very amused when my friends start to see girls who are my type. I mean, everyone knows what my type is, right, so. The other day, L says to me,

“There’s this new girl in choir-“

“Oh?”

”- and every time I’m talking to her I keep thinking IS THIS KERO’S TYPE?”

And I’m just sitting there all :D :D :D :D

If you don’t know my type, it’s ok :P It’s obvious from the string of not-relationships I’ve been in, so if you want to know just go look through my writing tag or something idk

最近お前の声聞きたくてしょうがなかった。お前は知らないけど（笑

俺はどんなにお前のこと消したくても消せないよな。

バカか俺？

どこへ行っても俺はお前を―

うざいよケロは。

guys i seriously underestimated the amount of pain a cavity can give you. why did i not get this treated sooner??? I HATE MY FINANCIAL PRIORITIZING IT ALWAYS BRINGS ME PAIN (LITERALLY). clearly i have to stop buying the shit i want and focus on the shit i need a.k.a. to NOT be in constant pain because of something that i could have taken care of weeks ago!!

like i mean, this pain cannot be compared to clusters because those were like the mother of all agonizing migraines. i mean seriously there were times i would be like oh my GOD i need to die because PAIN. pain x100000. no exaggeration, i literally could not get out of my bed for the 20 minutes they lasted.

tooth pain is more annoying and omg it gets so frustrating because it is ALWAYS FUCKING THERE. sometimes it’ll be like HEY I’M JUST GONNA TAKE A SMOKE BREAK BRB and i’ll be like OMG THE PAIN IS GONE and then 10 minutes later it’s back and is all DUDE SORRY I TOOK SO LONG I’M GONNA CRANK IT UP A BIT COZ I LEFT YOU HANGING THERE and i’m like OH MY GOD

not fun guys

not fun

Do you know, you’re the only one who’s never made light of my being trypophobic? I understand why people would think it’s funny, but it’s not like I enjoy getting nauseous at the sight of certain types of coral. And other stuff as well.

You’re the only one who’s taken me seriously from the very beginning. I still remember that day when I was all but breaking down from a link I’d been shown by some callous friend, and you talked me through it easy as you please. (Well, no, not that easy, but much better than me crying until my eyes hurt.)

How can I feel the way I do about you, and yet miss you so much it feels like my soul is stretched so thin it’s going to snap?

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